SO DANGEROUS LIVING ON PLANET EARTH!!!!!!

As we progress through 2012, I want to thank you all for your


educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now

and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor

let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying

about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what

has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because

the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only

imagine how many gallons of trans-fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the

floor of a public toilet.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue

on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every

envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a public place because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub

full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant

freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water

buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I

forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five

minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can

remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so

a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven

different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the

microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me

for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle

infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a

perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a

number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica,

Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a dropped coin

in a parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex

molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the

Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next

70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00

p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest

your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur

because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex

mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .

Oh, and by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has

discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their

e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told

by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY… AIN'T PLANET EARTH GREAT?